Thinking-Of-The-Future.-Book-Cover.jpg

Thinking of the Future

A Love Story
Book Publication

Preface

I CREATED MY SELF-PORTRAITS IN 1996, two years after my husband’s death.

He had died unexpectedly on our vacation in the Swiss Alps. His death left me utterly devastated and lost. Back in New York City, whenever the phone rang, I expected to hear his voice at the end of the line. Whenever I walked to familiar surroundings in my neighborhood, I felt his presence. My pain seemed to increase with time.

One day it struck me that I had to confront my grief as a photographer and artist. Doing so, I sensed, would be deeply cathartic.

I went into seclusion for extended periods of time. My task required absolute solitude, without the help of an assistant. I took detailed notes for possible images; I practiced using tripods in a confined space, mirrors, backdrops, various fabrics, and a 60-foot camera cable release. Despite my detailed notes, I was never quite sure what might happen artistically on a given day. Sometimes my imagination unnerved me. I seemed to be stepping outside my own body – physically, mentally, and spiritually – as if observing myself. The nude portraits are a reflection of my vulnerability at the time. Without my husband I had no foundation. I was floating in space.

Essay by Claudia Steinberg

GRIEF IS A VAST SPACE, reaching far beyond the horizon. Even after wandering through this enormous barren landscape for two years following the death of her husband, Carin Drechsler-Marx cannot make out its contour: on the contrary, it just seems to become more immense with every step. A space where, as Inger Christensen said, “the silence has doors everywhere.” So one day the widow, fifty-seven-years old at the time, realizes that in order to contain this terrifying expanse of loss and loneliness she has to capture it with the only weapon she has – her camera. To take her grief prisoner in her quiet New York apartment, to get to know it intimately by exposing herself to it:  completely naked, showing her wounds — she herself would become its mirror.

Henry - Carin

Carin - Henry

The Day We Met

I VIVIDLY REMEMBER THE CHILLY WINTER EVENING: January 17, 1959. Only three weeks before I had moved to Munich from a sleepy, medieval city in southern Germany. I was nineteen years old. At the time my ambition was to become an actress, my true calling, as I believed then. I worked in a Certified Public Accountant’s office during the day, and evenings I took lessons at a private acting school.

In Common

SOON WE DISCOVERED THAT WE had a number of things in common. We were both born in French-speaking countries: Henry in Belgium; I in France. We had both lost one parent at age four: Henry his mother, I my father. And we had both experienced concentration camp internment, though completely different reasons.

No Wedding Rings

OUR MUTUAL JOURNEY HAD TAKEN eight long years of platonic love, yearning, doubts, separation, and finding one another again. On October 6, 1967, at last we were able to marry. Long before that day we had decided against wedding rings. There was no need to proof to the outside world that, now, we were husband and wife. Though, by us not wearing wedding rings, people often seemed to question whether we were father and daughter, or even whether I was my husband’s young mistress. In the beginning such puzzling looks irritated me, but, as time went by, I found it amusing.

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No Flowers, but Jewelry

I EASILY CAN COUNT ON ONE HAND the number of flower bouquets Henry ever gave me. One of those rare instances took place in Tokyo in 1968, when we accompanied the Vienna Burgtheater on their Japan tour. Of all the places in the world, there, to my delight, Henry surprised me one morning with a small bouquet of primroses. He preferred to show his affection with jewelry anywhere at any time. Mostly his taste was impeccable. He knew that I favored silver jewelry, especially ethnic jewelry, to gold and precious stones. On his way home from a busy work day, he may pass a jewelry store, notice a ring or bracelet that he thought would please me, and bought it on the spot.

Numbers

HE HAD AN ALMOST MYSTIC RELATIONSHIP to numbers and a phenomenal memory.

Before entering a hotel room on our many trips (to Europe, Japan, Turkey, Morocco, Israel, etc.), he glanced at the room number, and without fail would find a connection to a unique personal date.

He was able to instantly recall historical dates, as well as birth and death dates of famous people. Every April 20th he shouted with sarcasm, “Today is Hitler’s birthday.” He basked in his ability to add or multiply complicated figures in his head. No one even attempted to prove him wrong.

Henry - Carin

Henry’s Parents’ Home

I NOT ONLY LIVED IN my parents’ home, I was also born there in 1911.

My parents’ home was and still is in the Brussels district of St. Gilles, rue Jourdan, 76.  It is a three-story, narrow building, customary in a country with a window tax. The kitchen was in the basement. From there, a long, white marble stairway led to the living and dining room. I vividly remember falling down the sixteen stairs once, ending up with so many scratches and open wounds that I would not have been able to count them, if I had been able to count.

Childhood Memories

ON THAT FROSTY WINTER NIGHT, when our paths crossed for the first time, Mr. Marx suggested we go to a nearby café at the end of Calderon de la Barca’s La Dama Duende.

I was astonished that, next to mouthwatering pastries, a gentleman his age would order hot chocolate and not coffee, like me. He asked about my life and my family background. He listened intently, now and then interrupting with more questions. Though shy by nature, I sensed that I could confide in Mr. Marx without hesitation. For the first time in my life, someone really listened to me.

Carin’s Beginnings in New York City

MY DREAM TO STUDY ACTING in Munich was too difficult to accomplish under the circumstances. I was yearning for a change in my professional life.

But without Abitur (the German equivalent of a high school diploma), all rofessional avenues I would have loved to consider — writing, fine arts, psychology — were closed to me. On one of his visits, Henry suggested I go to America, specifically New York City, for a year or two. There, I would be able to pursue my goals with conviction and determination rather than with proof of diplomas. His wife, whom he had told of my difficult circumstances, had put forward the idea. The “Land of Golden Opportunities” began to appeal to media was young and daring. The world belonged to me.

Thus, my journey began.

 

Carin - Henry - Katina

Katina

FROM THE VERY BEGINNING of our affection for one another, it was obvious that Henry saw in me his future wife, who would bear him another child that he so fervently wished for. For health reasons, his first wife had rejected any further pregnancies after the birth of their son seventeen years earlier. When I became pregnant unexpectedly, Henry was delighted. Our daughter was born December 3, 1966. We named her Katina, after the Greek actress Katina Paxinou. The name sounded beautiful, like music. Katina became the anchor in our lives. Our small family was a precious island within the island of Manhattan.

Two Threads

OUR NUCLEAR FAMILY was indeed an enchanted island in this unfathomable metropolis. The 27 years of marriage overflowed with deeply enriching personal and professional pursuits, above all with raising and watching our daughter, Katina, grow into a strong, independent, gorgeous young woman. Henry blossomed in his career as journalist, non-fiction writer, lecturer, theater organizer, and fundraiser, to name but a few of his activities. As soon as Katina entered the United Nations International School, I turned from painting to photography which soon became my profession. Every year we traveled to different countries in Europe, to visit my family in Germany, to hike in the Swiss mountains. We traveled to Turkey, Morocco, the Far East, and places in the United States and Canada. It was a happy and gratifying time.

End of Life

NEXT TO HIS EDITORIAL WORK at Aufbau, meetings with representatives of Jewish organizations, scholars and business people, lecture tours, radio and television interviews, Henry devoted time to his own book publications. I began to question whether he could sustain this relentless schedule. Our age difference, which had never meant much to me, now became a concern. Henry seemed to be in perfect health for his age, which he occasionally demonstrated by leaping up a flight of stairs. He never, even in the coldest weather, wore a hat, scarf, gloves, or an overcoat.

My 75th Birthday

TO CELEBRATE MY 75TH BIRTHDAY on May 23, 2014, I felt I had to return to Strasbourg, my birthplace, and to the former concentration camp Struthof-Natzweiler, that had left such a crucial mark on my life. My siblings joined me for the occasion. The weather was picture-perfect in Strasbourg and Natzweiler, but the sunlit, serene campsite, surrounded by flowering meadows, lush-green forest, and the gentle Vosges Mountains made it difficult to imagine the atrocities committed there.

On this month-long trip there were other anniversaries: June 6 was the 70th anniversary of D-Day. Twenty years earlier, D-Day happened to be the very day Henry and I had flown from New York to Berlin on our last trip together. Then, on June 22, came the anniversary of Henry’s death, which also happened to be the anniversary of his arrest by the Gestapo, and the anniversary of my family’s imprisonment at Natzweiler (June 22, 1945). In addition, the German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, opened an exhibition in Berlin commemorating the 100th anniversary of the start of World War I.

What was the deeper meaning of so many unique personal and historic dates during one single trip? Had a significant part of my life come full circle?

“In Hinduism it is a question of letting go, of returning everything to the River Ganges,” a dear New York City friend wrote me on June 22nd. “Take all your memories, let go of them, and give them back to the Universe.”

I had practiced Rinzai Zen Buddhism for a number of years. The principle of non-attachment was fundamental to spiritual growth: the principle of letting go of the past vs. clinging to it, which causes never-ending pain. “Things are as they are, they cannot be otherwise,” my Zen master often said.

I had never focused on non-attachment from my father’s painful legacy and from the collective German guilt. My friend’s compassionate words struck me like a flash of lightening. There and then, I felt completely free to let go, to return to the Universe that part of my life that, because of my deep love for Henry, had weighed me down for many years. Still, every step on my life’s journey will forever be an integral part of who I am.

Wir Denken An Die Zukunft

DU HAST MIT MIR GELITTEN,

hast dich mit mir gefreut.

Du ließest dich nie bitten,

hast keinen Weg gescheut.

NIE KANN, NIE WERDE ICH VERGESSEN,

die Opfer, die du mir gebracht.

Es wäre ja wohl sehr vermessen,

hätt’ etwas anderes ich gedacht.

IN WORTEN KANN ICH ES NICHT SAGEN,

was an Güte ich von dir erfahren.

Diese Schuld nun abzutragen,

ginge nicht in hundert Jahren.

SO LASS‘ UNS HEUTE UNSERN BUND ERNEUERN,

der in sich noch viel Schönes birgt.

Ein Blick nach vorn dient uns anzufeuern,

dass das Gewesene so auf uns wirkt.

* THINKING OF THE FUTURE, Henry’s last poem to Carin on January 17, 1994, their 35th anniversary of the day they met.

Biography Henry and Carin

1911 November 3: Henry born in Brussels, Belgium, to German-Jewish parents; father Hermann Marx, businessman from Siegelsbach, Baden; mother Martha, née Simonson, from Elberfeld, Rhineland

1916 Death of mother from pernicious anemia

1918-29 Return with father to Germany. 1918, Preschool in Heilbronn; 1920-26, Luitpold-Oberrealschule (secondary school), Munich; 1926-29, Goethe-Oberrealschule, Berlin

1929-33 Studies at the Friedrich-Wilhelms-Universität, Berlin: Law, forensic medicine, and drama

1933 Termination of studies, since Jews are no longer permitted to take first State Examination. Literary and journalistic contributions to Berlin daily newspapers; radio broadcasting of lectures, dramas, and documentaries

1934 January to June: Apprenticeship at Arnhold-Bleichröder Bank, Berlin June 22: Arrest by the Gestapo; six weeks of “Protective Custody” at Columbia-Haus, Berlin, and in the concentration camps Oranienburg and Lichtenburg

1935-36 Employment at cigar factory of Heinrich Jacobi, Berlin; main task: Re-organization of sales districts 1937 Emigration to the United States. February 3: Arrival in New York; trip to Cuba to obtain immigration visa

June 1937 (until 1969): Member of editorial staff of German language paper New Yorker Staats-Zeitung & Herold, first as music, theater and film critic, later as editor-in-chief

1938 Marriage to Paula Loew

1939 May 23: Carin born in Strasbourg, France, second oldest daughter of Franz-Xaver Drechsler, chemical engineer, and Elfried, nee Möser, both ethnic Germans from Sudetenland, Czechoslovakia

Contact Sheet

Comments

Elisabeth and Robert Kashey

Shepherd W & K Galleries, New York

“We are deeply touched by your book. The photographs and the text are truly wonderful.”

 

Michael Lahr

Executive Director, The Lahr von Leitis Academy & Program Director | ELYSIUM between two continents | New York, Munich, and Berlin

“Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.”

 

Dr. Markus Wessendorf

Chair, Department of Theatre and Dance, University of Hawaii, Honolulu

“Next to your photographs, I enjoyed the oral history-aspect of your book: your own family history interwoven with the biography of your husband – both joined by the camp experience, although from almost opposite perspectives of religion, class affiliation, “sophistication,” etc. I learned a lot not only about you, but indirectly also about the different prevailing circumstances in Germany and the United States after World War II.”

 

Louise Kerz Hirschfeld

Cultural Historian

“We are members of a relatively small group of women who devoted a portion of our lives to assuage the guilt of a generation of German premeditated brutalists. We set out to ease the suffering the criminals committed. Each in our own way  . . . with true compassion and understanding for the physical and psychic damage these Jewish men encountered in their early lives. . . Your photographs, so honest, express interior vulnerability at the loss of a loved one . . . the constant widow’s veil and delicate composition of the photos almost resemble a body without life. Because death steals itself into both partners of a marriage. Your love story is beautifully told. Henry will be with you forever.”

Cynthia Wessendorf

www.manoadesignandtext.com, Honolulu, Hawaii

“I was overwhelmed with how beautiful your life story and photos are. It literally brought tears to my eyes. The fractured families and flights through Europe, the war, your resilience and bravery, the love story with Henry, your emergence as an exceptional photographer, the death and grieving process. . . this immense emotional story is told with spare words and images that cut through the noise and chaos of life and present the parts that matter most.”

 

Michael Drechsler, Berlin, Germany

African art collector and brother of Carin Drechsler-Marx

“The text in your beautiful book is thought-provoking, particularly the reflections on National Socialism and Judaism. Confronted with our family history and Henry’s prominent position in the Jewish community of New York, it sometimes seems as if by proxy – not only in the texts but also in your images – you had to shoulder the guilt of others.”

Verena Drechsler, Stuttgart, Germany

Niece of Carin Drechsler-Marx

“I am deeply impressed by your courage to confront your life with Henry and your grief so candidly. Your book is a small treasure. Through it I got to know you a lot better: vulnerable and strong at the same time.”